Edits in progress

Old version:

Providence snapped a diamond collar around Gale’s neck and a ring on her left forefinger. It was so wide it covered the first joint and sparkled with diamonds. “Hang in there, dear. It will be over soon.”

A deep chill settled over Gale, sinking into her bones. Her breath frosted and she breathed in ice crystals, shuddering as the shards dug into her lungs and crawled along her veins, freezing all it touched. As the ice worked its way up from her extremities to her core, the pressure pushed the sharp ice crystals to her core, increasing the pain. It felt like the shards were frothing inside her, until finally they burst out of her mouth, taking her essence with it.

Gale crouched naked on the deck, mute with pain. Her old body laid there, eyes open and very dead.

After edits:

Providence snapped a diamond collar around Gale’s neck and slid a ring on her left forefinger. It was so wide it covered the first joint and sparkled with diamonds. “Hang in there, dear. It will be over soon.”

A deep chill settled over Gale, sinking into her bones. Her breath frosted and she breathed in ice crystals, shuddering as the shards dug viciously into her lungs and crawled along her veins in frozen fire, freezing all it touched. As the ice worked its way from her extremities to her organs, the pressure pushed the sharp ice crystals to her core, increasing the agony.

She couldn't scream with frozen lungs, but her eyes rolled wildly, begging for help, until the fluid inside froze and she went blind. Alone in the dark with the pain, she shook with terror. Shards frothed in her stomach, pushed up her throat like naked skin raked over crystallized snow, until they burst from her mouth, taking her essence with it.

Gale crouched naked on the deck, mute with pain. Her old body laid there, eyes open and very dead.

“Good job, ladies! I knew we could leave a body if worked at it. Now, off with you, Gale. Remember, the Fates are with you.” Providence made a shooing motion, and Gale was sucked out the gaping seal.

Showing verses telling. Pointing this could have been improved is why I have Judy. Look her up, guys.

Back to work.